


Because I Remember When You Were Here

by Into_Evernight



Category: AFI
Genre: Angst, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Fluff, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-24
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-03-08 22:43:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3226229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Into_Evernight/pseuds/Into_Evernight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With all the broken promises and Davey's constant absence in the back of his mind, Nils starts to wonder how strong their relationship is. Even with Christmas coming up, Davey's behavior is still the same and Nils has no idea if Davey even wants him anymore, deciding to give him an ultimatum as a last, desperate resort. [Nilvey] [Secret Santa for Jimmy/Sing_Sorrow]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Because I Remember When You Were Here

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sing_Sorrow](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Sing_Sorrow).



> Originally posted on AFIslash on 12/24/2012.
> 
> Story Notes: So this is a Secret Santa for Jimmy/Sing_Sorrow! The prompts were:
> 
> Prompt one: something festive  
>  Prompt two: lights, sound, and snow  
>  Prompt three: something angsty but rather fluffy
> 
> I hope you like it, Jimmy! And a Merry Christmas to you, dear! :))
> 
> Author's Chapter Notes: Special thanks to Hellion and Mel for their help and input on this, and for letting me brainstorm and bounce ideas off them. ;)
> 
> Disclaimer:These are mere characters based on the members and associates of AFI (not the real people, duh) or The Veronicas. I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

It was nine-thirty and the party Lisa Marie and Jessica were hosting was going strong, the guests pleasantly warm and stuffed with vegan sugar cookies and alcohol, of which a wide array was laid out over the kitchen counter top. While the others had opted for wine and champagne, Nils had filled his cup with whiskey – he needed something hard and not-so-sweet to wash out his mood and mellow him. Because he'd arrived at seven to help the girls finish setting up and he'd arrived alone...yet again. And now it was half past nine and there was no sign of Davey. He sighed, checking his phone for the millionth time only to be greeted by the same screen saver and no text notification. He wasn't surprised.

“Why are you sitting here all by yourself?” It was Jessica's voice that tore him from his thoughts and pulled his gaze upward to her brown eyes and her candy sweet smile staining the rim of a champagne flute blush red. She moved the pillow next to him so she could sit. “You look so sad, baby.”

He frowned, lifting his glass to take a burning sip of his drink, not quite meeting her gaze. “I am sad,” he mumbled where only she could hear, suddenly self-conscious of that fact. The fact that Davey Havok had so much control over his miserable fucking emotions – it was unbearable mostly because he knew Davey didn't feel the same.

Smiling sympathetically, she laid a hand on his knee and gave it a squeeze. It was warm and it should've been comforting, but it only served to make Nils feel emptier inside. He was going to need another glass of whiskey and would have to quite possibly share a bed with Jessica tonight if he wanted to hold himself together. “Is this about Davey again?” She paused, searching his gaze, and finding he didn't answer, she seemed to decide this was the truth. “He'll show up,” Jessica insisted, and it was the certainty behind these words that made him look at her, somewhat dim, dismal and distrusting. “He always does.”

“Not always,” Nils retorted gloomily, taking another sip. His stomach churned in protest. “I knew this was going to fucking happen.”

At first, Davey had said he'd be at Nils' house at six and they could drive together to the twins' place. A week later, he'd said 'prior engagements' were going to make that plan difficult, so he'd said he'd come to the party at eight. And then, several days ago while Nils had him over and was making him dinner of all things, Davey had come up behind him and slipped his arms around him, caressing him and kissing the shell of his ear gently all while telling him, _”I'm sorry, dear, I don't know if I can make it by eight. We have a lot of work to do and I'll be in West Hollywood all weekend.”_ After that, Nils had unconsciously shut him out, only hearing fragments of his excuses, things about how he knew how bad LA _traffic_ was, and how this was very important to him but they were _so close_ to being done with 'the record.' Nils had been hearing about the goddamn record for close to four years now and it had not come to fruition. He wondered if it ever would, if there even _was_ a goddamn record at all.

“If he doesn't text me in fifteen minutes to tell me he's on his way, I'm going to puke,” Nils told her, clutching his phone with sweat-ridden fingers. “Ugh.”

Jessica reached over and took his nearly empty glass of whiskey from him, setting it on the end table and then crossing her legs, pulling her skirt down a bit further. “Maybe it's the alcohol. You already had a lot on an empty stomach, babe.”

Glaring a bit, Nils grumbled, “You know me. I can hold it.”

“I hope so – I just got this carpet cleaned.” Jessica offered him a smile, trying to assure him. “Hey, I know easier said than done, but try to forget about him and have some fun. I'll give you something to snack on – it might help with that stomachache.” She briefly rested a hand on his stomach as though that would help him somehow, and then got up before he could protest to fix a small plate of bean dip and crackers. He really didn't want it, but he couldn't say no to her when she was being so nice to him. And right now, he really needed someone to be nice to him because he felt like the shit of the world. He was getting really sick of being put on the back shelf.

A moment later, Jessica was placing the plate in his lap and taking the seat next to him again, cuddling up against his side and resting her cheek against his shoulder, her arms threading around one of his arms. “Do me a favor?”

He sighed, scooping some dip on the cracker and taking a small bite. “I guess?”

“Try not to think about him anymore.” She looked up at him with hopeful eyes. “Just enjoy the party. We're all here together and that's never going to change. Davey or no Davey.”

A pang of guilt joined the pang of too-much-whiskey, and he had to swallow hard. Maybe recently he _had_ neglected his friends for the first time since he and Davey had started their relationship five years ago, a relationship where he admired too much and not being around Davey made him long for him so badly he couldn't eat or sleep and just felt sick constantly. In the back of his mind, he knew it wasn't healthy but there wasn't much he could do about it but wait for that 'new relationship' feeling to wear off. Too bad it was taking its time and he doubted it would ever wear off if it hadn't already.

“Can't promise, but I'll try,” he finally said.

“Good enough for me.”

Jessica gave him a kiss on the cheek and it would've distracted him had his phone not vibrated as he received a text. What he saw, though, definitely undid her hard work and he put the cracker down on the plate, feeling that awful sinking feeling in his stomach increase as he read the message over and over again.

_'I won't be coming. There was an unexpected meeting. Just outside our room. You have my word. I will make it up to you.'_

In that moment, Nils just clutched the phone in one shaking hand, jaw setting tightly. He couldn't even bring himself to respond, knowing it'd be far too angry to be fair. Still, Davey was always busy, always on the go, always with someone else. And the someone else he was with the most these days was Jade. It wouldn't have been so bad...if Nils hadn't known they'd dated before he'd met Davey. Biting his tongue, he put his phone face down on the table and took a deep breath through his nose, ignoring the concerned look he got from Jessica.

“Do you mind if I stay the night? I'm feeling kind of sick,” Nils asked, not looking at her. And though he knew the 'alcohol' would've worn off by the time the party was technically over, he was still grateful she chose to overlook that and accept his poor excuse.

“Sure. You didn't have to ask.” She squeezed his arm, looking at him with a burning curiosity, like she wanted him to spill the details. And he could tell it was taking every ounce of her self control not to jump on it and ask to know everything. Truthfully, he didn't feel like talking about it.

“Thanks.” A pause, then: “Be right back.” Slowly, he got up and went to the kitchen – he needed another glass of whiskey to numb his silly, still beating heart.

–

“I already said I was sorry, darling, I don't know what else I can do to make it better...” Davey's voice sounded too thin, almost even _whiny_ from behind Nils.

“Yeah? Well, maybe next time you shouldn't make a promise you can't deliver,” Nils shot back, preferring to look at the jewelry case he was currently in front of to find a suitable gift for his mother. The snooty Belk's employee gave them both the eagle eye like she expected Nils to smash his fist through the thick glass and grab a handful of jewels before making a mad dash for it.

There was a heavy sigh and Nils heard Davey shuffle closer, but at least he wasn't touching him yet; if he had been, Nils was sure he'd have slapped him away just from impulse alone. “I know, dear. I know.” He heard another sigh, and this one made him roll his eyes so hard it nearly gave him a headache. “But I truly thought I could make it; I didn't think the meeting would take that long. You know how important it is to me – we've been working on this record for—”

“Three years,” Nils snapped back. “I _know_ , Davey. Goddammit.” The saleswoman shot them a sharp glare, perhaps because of the nearby presence of an older, wealthy-looking individual and her pink-adorned six year old. “But you know what? This was really important to me. I could handle it the first five times – I could even handle you missing Samhain though you _know_ it's important to me – and I can handle it on occasion with no questions asked, but this is getting ridiculous, don't you think?” He turned to face Davey, doing his best to keep his expression and his voice calm. “You know how serious I take it when someone promises. And I expected you, of all people, to be able to honor that.”

They stared at each other for a long moment, Nils' expression blank and Davey's expression somewhat helpless, yet calculating. After a moment of thinking, eyes briefly turned to the side and mouth pursed, Davey spoke slowly. “Okay. I understand you're angry with me, but I promise I'll make it up to you.”

Nils crossed his arms over his chest, chin lifted and defiant. “And how many more promises do you have to give me before you actually pull through?” He lifted an eyebrow, and Davey was silent. “Yeah, that's what I thought.” Shaking his head in disgust, he turned to look at the case again.

He heard shuffling, and this time Davey did touch his arms, the contact light, hesitant, yet warm. And when Davey spoke again, his voice was in Nils' ear, breath coming in gentle puffs against the shell of it like a soft kiss. “I mean it, Nils. I honestly do—”

Instead of letting him finish, Nils cut through that thought, eyes narrowing and voice a near hiss. “Words don't mean shit without action to back them up. I thought you'd know that better than anyone. So _stop_ making false promises until you show me I mean something to you.” He took a deep breath, chest heaving slightly. “Sometimes, I feel like you're putting that damn record before me – before everyone around you – and, yeah, I get that it's important. I've supported you for _six_ years, goddammit, and you know why this is important to me.” He turned his head to look at Davey, their noses brushing and it was only then that he realized how close Davey was standing, and yet it felt like he was a world's apart from him with the way he was looking at him, his hands barely ghosting over his sides now. “We've been together _five_ years and it still feels like we just started this relationship. And you want to know why?” He licked his lips, giving a veritable pause before he breathed in sharply and told Davey straight to his face. “Because we haven't taken a next step. Not once in our relationship, and I am really, really sick of this, Davey. First it was Jade, then it was AFI, now it's this record. For God's sake, if you can't put me first _for once_ then I swear to hell we're _through_. I've been through enough and all I ask is for one little thing, and you can't even fucking do it.” His breath caught in his throat, a lump suddenly forming and straining, the anger yielding to the same throbbing, painful disappointment in the center of his chest, coursing outward in heated pulses like his heart was pumping poison through his veins. “Please – I need to know I mean something to you. You're breaking my heart.”

Davey's eyes softened visibly, but he seemed caught. Caught between the guilt of the position he'd put Nils in and his own grief – Nils could see how much his words had hurt him, how he was tearing Davey's heart apart as well. But he couldn't keep silent anymore and he didn't feel like it was his place to; he'd endured too much for too long and he was tired of the silence. Silence from his end and silence from Davey's end and silence in front of the others. Of having to think of whether or not it was appropriate to say _'I love you'_ when strangers were present. This contact itself was supposedly more than he could ask for, this bit of public affection, but even that was within the realm of natural “Havokisms.” He was tired of staying in that box, tired of being afraid, tired of walking on eggshells, and above of...tired of being afraid there was _someone else_ and that someone else was the reason for Davey's silence.

“I have to be your number one,” he found himself saying in a whisper where only they could hear, continuing in the void Davey left between them, though he felt Davey's hands still on his sides, idly rubbing warmth into them. “I mean it. I can't have anyone else before me. Not your cast mates, not your band mates, not your friends, no matter how new or beautiful they are. I need to come first _for once_. And I swear I'm not saying this to be a fucking bitch. It's just – I've waited long enough.” He paused, biting down on his lower lip and searching Davey's eyes, but Davey didn't say a word. That anxiety began to rise in his throat in the form of a scared, animalistic child-whimper, but he swallowed it back along with the tight carcinogen lump. “Dave? Do you understand?”

A deep breath; an exhalation. “I understand.”

“Will you try?” It was tinny, anxious.

“I will try.” Another breath.

Nils looked down his nose into Davey's eyes, and they didn't move for one tense moment. “Good. Then you'll come to my parents' house on Christmas and you promise?”

Davey bit his lip and nodded, Adam's apple bobbing visibly.

“You fucking _swear_ to hell?” His voice was now tense, warning.

“I swear.”

There was a depth of sincerity to Davey's voice that had been lacking each time he'd made a promise recently. Nils stared him right in the eye for a few beats after the fact, absorbing it, before he decided Davey really did mean it and relented.

“Okay.” Briefly, he rested his forehead against Davey's, letting his eyes fall shut. “I'm counting on you, baby,” he continued, mumbling. “So don't let me down again. Please don't.”

In response, Davey whispered, “I won't,” and then sealed it with a gentle, discreet, barely-there kiss to the temple. They parted, drifting away, and Nils continued to look at the case, the silence filling the space between them where pleas had resided only moments earlier. However, now Nils was left with too many of his own worried, aching thoughts to really see what was in front of him. He felt like maybe he'd been too harsh, that maybe he should've sat down and talked with Davey about what was going on and why he had to be so clandestine about 'the record' when before he'd been so open with him about it. And maybe that, above all, was the root of his anxiety.

He really feared that was why there was no record at all.

–

On Christmas Eve, LAX was packed. Nils had been waiting at the terminal since ten that morning to catch the flight up to Portland, where his parents had moved to be closer to his grandparents. The plan was for everyone to converge at his parents' house and spend the night so they could all be together Christmas morning, to witness the mandatory present exchange and then have a hot meal together before he and Davey flew down to (hopefully) see the Marchand family the following day. They'd been switching back and forth for the past couple of years, spending Christmas with one family and then the next day with the other. It'd always worked out before, so he was less than pleased when he got the text from Davey saying he'd be late and wouldn't be able to meet Nils at the airport, that he'd had to switch his flight at the last minute because 'something came up.' Gritting his teeth, Nils turned his phone off as his group was called to board the plane, deciding it didn't fucking matter because he had a good idea where this was going. He felt his vision blurring a bit as he got in line with his carry on, and he had to take a deep breath as he handed over his ticket to be scanned, trying so hard not to cry. It wasn't the death knell just yet, but, hell, it was close.

The flight without Davey next to him felt longer than it actually was. Nils tried to get his mind off it – first he tried to sleep but his head kept falling forward without any support, and sitting coach meant there was no room to put his seat back without disturbing the people behind him. Then he tried listening to his iPod, but the hum of the plane engines overpowered everything and it all reminded him of Davey anyway. He just felt sick and heartbroken, and he was still clinging to the last shred of hope that Davey would show up because he'd _promised_. He _had_ to show up; he should have faith because he'd never missed Christmas before, especially after Nils had reminded him that it had originated from his religion and Yuletide instead of Christianity.

By the time he landed and he stepped out into the clean, orderly Portland airport with his luggage, he had a bit more hope in Davey's promise that he'd be there. After all, he had said he'd switched his flight, not that he'd canceled it. With that in mind, he turned his phone on and texted Davey back to let him know he'd landed safely, and that he hoped to see Davey that night.

He didn't get a reply.

After he'd signed off for a rental car, he pulled out from the airport and merged onto the highway, finding his parents' number and speaking to his mom briefly, letting her know he was on his way. What made his heart falter was when she told him, “I can't wait to see you and Dave.” He could hear the smile in her voice and it made him swallow hard. “Actually, it's been a while since I heard from him.”

It took him a moment to respond, his eyes feeling a bit wet again and he blinked rapidly, tightening his grip on the wheel. “Yeah...he's been busy.” _Too busy for me too_ , he kept to himself.

“Well, when you two get here, I'll have your favorite cookies ready for you and we can catch up. I just made a fresh batch—”

“He's not with me, mom,” Nils said tiredly, resisting the urge to squeeze his eyes shut.

There was a hesitant pause, then his mother's voice came through the line a bit tense, worried. “He's not with you?” It echoed confusion, confusion he'd felt as well until recently, until he'd decided Davey just couldn't be fucked to care anymore. “Why? Did something happen?” Her words hinted at what that something was, and if Nils was honest with himself, he didn't know if that was the truth or not.

“I don't know; he's just...busy,” he replied, frustrated. “He said something came up so he switched his flight. I mean, he said he's coming but that's all I know...”

Another beat. “Well...I hope everything's all right.”

“Me too.” Nils fell silent for a moment, nothing but the sound of the car tires on the highway and the static of the phone reception filling the empty space in his head. Shaking himself from spacing out, he told her, “Anyway, I'll see you in about half an hour. Love you.”

With that, he hung up and then glanced at his screen to see if he had a text, anything, from Davey. His heart sank as he saw there was nothing, but what did he expect? Feeling bitter, he put both hands on the wheel and focused on getting to his parents' house, even as the grayed-over sky began to rain tiny, delicate snowflakes. And somewhere in the back of his mind, he had enough left in him to reach out and turn on the radio, searching for a station that wasn't playing Christmas music. As he flipped channels, he caught the bird-song soprano of Mariah Carey and just froze there, his eyes tearing up at a song he usually scoffed at.

_All I want for Christmas is you._

–

Coming home was one of the most alleviating feelings in the world, Nils decided. It was the comfort of being welcomed with open arms by people who'd always known you and always loved you, of people who accepted you even if you didn't always see eye to eye, and he felt extremely lucky in that regard. He never realized how cold and cruel and unaccepting the outside world was until he'd been away from home for an extended period of time, long enough to adapt and assimilate, and then come back to find the love and warmth strangely, yet pleasantly, surprising. And that was how Nils felt as soon as he walked up the front porch and the door opened, his mother reaching out for him and pulling him into her arms, the family dog rushing around him with a wagging tail and a sniffling nose, high-pitched whines erupting from him that sounded more like a puppy than an old dog. It felt good and familiar to be wanted like this... And yet, somehow, it made him ache all the more as he thought about how it should feel this way when he and Davey were in each others' arms. The fact that it didn't feel like that anymore cut him deeply.

He was ushered inside where his father and brother were waiting for him in the living room, watching a game on TV. They, too, greeted him in similar manner and then he was seated with his favorite vegan cookies and a glass of warm soy milk. It was almost childish in some ways, but he was grateful for it – he needed that comfort and that stability, sitting on the couch by the glittering Christmas tree and watching TV with his family. Now that he'd arrived, they broke out the popcorn balls and he got to huddle with his mother and brother on the couch as they fought over what Christmas movies to watch, deciding to start with _A Christmas Story_ and reminisce together.

The whole afternoon was spent watching Christmas movies, his dad even insisting on putting on the cartoons they'd used to watch just for 'old time's sake.' And as much as he enjoyed the time with his family, the empty space Davey left behind was just too noticeable, leaving a pang in his heart each time he thought about it. As it got late and they finished dinner, he texted Davey again, asking him when he thought he'd get here because he missed him. He wasn't usually pushy with Davey, but this was different. This was his _ultimatum_ and he was giving him more slack than he should've, more chances to prove to him he wasn't just fucking around to sate Nils and keep him from throwing a fit or whatever else.

The longer Davey went without replying, the worse Nils felt. And as the next morning came and there was still no sign of Davey, no word from him at all, Nils started to wonder if something was wrong. He couldn't focus as the others opened their presents, just too hung on _something must've happened to him_ and _how can I make sure he's okay?_ Eventually, he just excused himself to step outside in the frigid air in nothing but a light, gray sweater he'd had for years, long enough for it to be comfortable and broken in, but not so long it was starting to get threadbare. That was when he just caved and called him. Shivering a bit, he leaned against the railing and listened to the phone ring, his heart pounding in his ears.

“Hello?”

Davey's voice sounded almost angelic to him at this moment, and he was first struck by the stark relief that, yes, Davey was alive and he was going to be okay. However, the relief was short-lived as another realization began to sink in – and with it followed the disappointment and hurt that Davey wasn't here now. “Hey, it's me,” he heard himself saying, his voice sounding too loud in the softness that surrounded him, the light _plip-plop_ of wet snow hitting the already accumulated powder on the ground. “Where are you? I was worried to death about you when you didn't text me back...” He hugged himself for warmth, feeling his heart beating hard against his arm, his head spinning a bit.

“Oh, yeah. About that...”

There it was. In that one split-second, with that one nonchalant statement, Nils already knew all he needed to know... _Davey wasn't coming._ He bit down on his lower lip, his face suddenly feeling far too hot and his eyes stinging a bit, the anger churning his stomach so sharply he thought he'd be sick. “Don't. Even. Fucking. Say it.” He couldn't help but spit it out, the venom laced between his words. “Let me guess – you're not fucking coming even though you fucking _promised_. You're a real—”

“Nils, please—” It wasn't spoken with exhaustion like he'd expected; it was spoken with desperation – enough to make Nils snap his mouth shut and listen. “I am so sorry. My flight got moved again... I swear, dear, I'm going to be there – just give me some more time, okay? I promise – I swear – I'm coming. Just bear with me...please?”

It almost made him sick to hear Davey beg him like this. He was so close to just telling him to suck it, to not even bother at all and just hang up on him. But that would've been something twenty-year-old Nils would've done, and they weren't at that point anymore. Pushing the anger down, he took a deep, slow breath to calm himself and keep himself from getting dizzy with rage, instead agreeing, “Okay.”

There was a sigh of relief from Davey's end. “Thank you. I promise I will be there soon.”

“Soon? How soon?”

“As soon as I can. It will be today.” At this, Nils narrowed his eyes a bit, lips parting, but he didn't get a chance to squeeze a word in. “I have to go. I will see you later. This afternoon. Tonight.”

“Which one is it?” Nils couldn't help but sputter, the hurt splitting through the middle of his chest. “You can't just be that vague; you know when your flight leaves—”

“I can't talk now, okay?” There was a sigh, this one heavier. “I'll see you later, dear. I love you.”

“But—”

“Bye, love.”

Nils winced as he heard the dial tone droning in his ear, continuing for seconds after Davey had hung up. This time, he couldn't contain the tears that filled his eyes, one escaping before he could even try to stop it. Sniffing, he reached up to brush it away, pressing the button to end his side of the call as well. For a long moment, he just stood there at the railing, running his hands over his face and trying to breathe, his entire body shaking and this time it wasn't from the cold. “Fuck,” he whispered, and it took all his self-control not to throw his phone to the ground. He went to sit on the steps and let the snow collect on his fuzzy black socks, the ones Davey had given him for Christmas last year. It took him a long time to collect himself, and he wouldn't have budged had his mother not stepped out onto the porch, startling him by draping a coat around his shoulders. He said nothing to her and she knew better than to ask what was wrong, instead ruffling his hair a bit before she spoke.

“Want to come inside before you catch a cold?”

He felt a bit like a little kid with her talking to him like that, but at the same time, he needed someone to care about him. Shrugging one shoulder, he mumbled, “No.”

She crossed her arms, watching him, and though he didn't look at her directly, he knew she held that typical 'mother's worry' in her gaze. “Well... Do you want some hot chocolate to keep you warm?”

He wanted to tell her hot chocolate wouldn't warm him up, that nothing physical could warm the cold he felt _because_ it was nothing physical. But instead of crushing her or saying something rude, he just nodded to accept it. Before she left, she gave his shoulder a squeeze and he mustered the strength to look over his shoulder and give her a faint smile. Too bad he couldn't muster the same strength to find faith in Davey anymore.

That faith waned for the rest of the day. Each hour he heard nothing from Davey, each hour he spent alone with his family, he felt himself withering more and more. Davey had offered him no explanation – maybe if he had, it would've been okay. But lunch came and passed with no word, and soon dinner came and passed as well. Relatives came in and out of the house, more gifts were exchanged, and his uncle clearly drank too much, which wasn't surprising to him. Before he knew it, it was after nine and Davey had still not arrived. He'd never felt so empty before, but now he was met with the startling realization – he just didn't mean anything to Davey anymore. Why else would he have promised and not come?

His parents didn't say anything to him, but he could feel their eyes on him every so often, that questioning curiosity lingering in them. But then his mom would look at his dad and shake her head before he could ask about Davey, and the subject went untouched. Frankly, Nils was glad they said nothing about it because he couldn't talk about it, not when it was already too much to think about. He just wanted the day to be over so he could go back to LA, go home, and forget this had ever happened.

Eleven o'clock rolled around, and his parents stayed up a bit later to watch the evening news. He kept glancing at the clock, though he wasn't even sure why now...there was no point. Christmas was over, and Davey had broken his promise. Again. The news ended and his parents told him goodnight, going upstairs and to bed, leaving him sitting alone on the couch. Maybe he should just go to bed too, he thought to himself. There wasn't much else for him to do, and he didn't feel like spoiling Jessica's Christmas by calling her up to cry to her on the phone. The very thought was embarrassing anyway.

He'd just gotten up and was stretching when his phone buzzed, and he glanced at the screen, doing a double take when he saw Davey's name. His first thought was Davey was apologizing, and he scoffed as he read the first line before opening the full text.

_'Nils. I am infinitely sorry for missing Santa Day. There is still thirty minutes left. Come and let us celebrate together. Step outside and you will find the reason for my absence.'_

Through the hurt and bitterness, confusion and even a bit of hope rose, tightening his chest. Slowly, he padded through the living room, snatching his pleather jacket from the back of an armchair and shrugging it on, grabbing his shoes by the door and hopping into them. He didn't know what to expect when he came outside, but he had mixed feelings when he pushed open the door and found a figure in the front yard, waiting for him with his hands jammed in his pockets. His first impulse was childish – to grab a handful of snow, crush it together into an ice ball, and fling it at him. But the next moment, a wave of sadness overpowered that and he found himself running down the steps and through the front yard, not caring about getting his jeans wet with the snow or about the cold penetrating his cheap shoes. Before he knew what he was doing, he was jumping and Davey caught him, chuckling lowly as Nils wrapped all four limbs around him.

“I hate you,” Nils told him, balling his fists up, his teeth chattering from the barrage of emotions. He blinked hard, taking a deep, shuddering breath. “You're a fucking asshole and I hate you so much. Don't even tell me you're off the hook because it's still Christmas. You fucking missed Christmas, you fuck.” Though he was trying hard to sound angry, his voice was shaking too much, all that hurt inside just crumbling and tearing him down, bringing him to tears for the nth time that day.

For a long moment, Davey was silent, just holding Nils in his arms and supporting his ass with one hand. He let Nils sniff for a few seconds before he said anything, his voice soft and low, like silk and velvet. “I'm sorry, dear. I am truly sorry. But I hope what I've been planning makes up for it.” He paused, then added, “Although, I hate how hiding it from you has messed you up so. I really...I didn't think it'd take this long. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart.” He leaned in to kiss the corner of Nils' mouth.

“You keep saying all this stuff, but you never have anything to show. What do you expect me to think?” Nils asked, voice cracking. “So please...please prove to me I'm wrong about you.” He searched Davey's gaze in the darkness, his own eyes pleading and wide.

“You are, my love. Here.” He let Nils down, then reached into his pocket, holding out a jewel CD case to him.

“What's that?” Nils asked, his gaze flicking from the case to Davey again.

Now, Davey looked sheepish. “It's the record - _Bright Black Heaven_.” He paused as he saw it register on Nils' face, the frown beginning to form on his brow. As Nils opened his mouth to snap at him, Davey held up a hand and interrupted. “Please. Let me explain.”

“Explain? The fuck do you have to explain? It's clear to me you put the fucking record over our goddamn relationship. _Again_. No, Davey. Just...don't talk to me right now.” Nils felt a headache coming on, and he lifted his hand to his forehead, blowing out a shaky breath. He was seconds away from breaking up with Davey when he spoke up again.

“It's for you,” Davey tried to explain, the desperation clear in his voice again. A voice that was usually so strong and sure was now wavering, on the brink of upset and hurt himself. “And I don't simply mean that in a possessive sense. It _is_ you. You – our relationship – gave me the inspiration. Many of these songs are about us or, were in some way, inspired by us. I wanted you to have it because...because I wanted you to see...” He trailed off, chewing on his lower lip, tongue sweeping over the space where his lip ring had once occupied. And Nils just kind of stared at him, unmoving and unsure of what to think. “I'm sorry. Maybe this isn't appropriate. I just...wanted you to be the first one to hear it. I wanted to give it to you for Christmas but it took so long to finish, and I had hoped once you heard it you'd understand what it meant...”

Still not sure if Davey was bullshitting him or not, Nils reached for it, taking the case and sliding it into his jacket. He didn't know what to say, just looking at Davey and murmuring, “Oh, well, uh—” He cleared his throat. “Thank you...”

“But that's not all,” Davey said, taking a deep breath. He paused, then took a step back, closer to one of the bejeweled, twinkling evergreen trees in the yard. Nils just drifted closer to him, enthralled by the way the light blue glow illuminated Davey's face, his eyes looking impossibly dark and deep as they locked with Nils'.

Coming closer, Nils looked up at him. “What?” he asked, his own voice growing a bit soft despite himself. For whatever reason, Davey had suddenly grown more serious, quieter, and he felt his heart begin to pound.

Davey didn't tear his gaze from Nils' as he took his hands. “Once again, I want to tell you how sorry I am for hurting you. If I had to do this over again, I would do it differently. It was impossible to find another flight after I switched the last one and I barely made it today at all. But I wanted to keep my promise to you so...I drove.” At this, Nils' eyes widened a bit and he glanced to the driveway to find Davey _was_ telling the truth – that was, without a doubt, Davey's Mercedes Benz parked behind his rental car. “I love you, Nils. There is no one else and there will never be. And that's why I wanted to ask you for Christmas this year...” He paused and slowly dropped to one knee, only releasing one of Nils' hands so he could reach into his pocket, fumbling to open the box with his thumb and revealing a black band with a line of glittering stones that shimmered like stars in the faint light. “Will you marry me?”

To say he was floored would've been an understatement. Nils just stared at Davey for a long moment, his mouth hanging open. Slowly, he brought his hand to his mouth, feeling light-headed, dizzy. Of course he'd wanted Davey to take a next step, but he'd expected maybe moving in together or something, not this. Even so, he felt the lump coming to his throat and a grin he couldn't contain spreading across his face, so large he thought he might tear his face in half. He had no words for the moment, just utter shock and relief washing over him. The look in Davey's eyes was dead serious, completely sincere, and he couldn't believe he'd ever doubted him. Davey had never given him room to doubt him until the past couple of months, and though he felt like they still had a lot to talk about, he felt his confidence return and he knew they could work through any knots in their relationship.

He realized he'd been standing there and shaking, still cupping his hand over his mouth without saying a word, when Davey gave him a little smile and asked, “Overwhelmed?”

Nodding, Nils squeezed his hand too tightly. “Y-yeah.” He laughed shakily, still clutching Davey's hand.

Davey squeezed his hand back, brushing his thumb over his knuckles. “It's okay – I know it's unexpected but in all honesty I've been planning it for months.” His smile wavered a bit. “So...what do you say? Will you marry me?”

Still grinning more than he thought was possible, Nils nodded. “Yes... _oh fuck_ , yes.” He clutched Davey's hand, watching as he slid the ring onto his finger and feeling like he couldn't have beamed any brighter. Immediately after, Davey brought his hand to his mouth to kiss it, then stood up and took Nils in his arms, holding him close and brushing their lips together. And Nils returned the kiss just as delicately before wrapping his arms around Davey's waist and pressing their lips together more firmly, more passionately and deeply. He held it for a long moment, humming a bit at the warmth of it, before they parted with a soft smacking sound.

“Feel better?” Davey asked, reaching up to brush his hair out of his face, tracing tender fingertips over his temple.

Laughing, Nils hugged him far too tightly. “Yeah, but don't ever do that again. I thought you were cheating on me, or you didn't want to be with me anymore or...” He smiled feebly, letting out another shaky laugh before planting a kiss at the corner of Davey's mouth. “Just please don't hide anything from me again?”

“No surprises? Okay, you don't like surprises. I've learned my lesson.” Davey laughed a bit as well and hugged Nils tightly, hand sliding up the back of his jacket and rubbing over his spine rhythmically and soothingly.

“Great, so...” Nils held Davey at arms' length, looking into his face with one of the rare smiles that met his eyes. “Now we just have to convince my parents not to kill you.”

“But that can wait until the morning, right?” Davey gave him a half-smile, the 'worry lines,' as Nils called them, creasing his forehead.

Smiling and moving to slide his hand down Davey's arm until he reached his hand and clasped their fingers together, Nils said, “Sure.”

Davey trailed after Nils, squeezing his hand warmly. “Good.” He paused, then leaned in to kiss his cheek. “Merry Xmas, my dear.”

And Nils just squeezed his hand back, moving to spin around to look Davey in the eye under the blanket of stars and Christmas lights that made the street look like a quiet, winter fairy-tale land. “Merry Xmas to you too, baby.” And Nils thought it was the best Christmas he'd ever had.


End file.
